the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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