My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
