what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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