OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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