Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
