someone get that fucking seahorse.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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