Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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