you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
