The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
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I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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