So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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