Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
