That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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