remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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