Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
