A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
do nipples grow back?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
