did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
