I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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