I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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