you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
