My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
