I accidentally burped into my bong.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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