My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So much rum. So many feels.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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