like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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