I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
