her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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