I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
