i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
