my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
