You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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