I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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