Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
