dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
