I puked a lego.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
