remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
where does the pee come out of this thing
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
