The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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