life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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