i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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