I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can text with my tongue
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
