the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i believe in u and ur pee
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
