quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
