My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
