it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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