Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
