I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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