please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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