she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
