the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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