Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
false alarm. still invincible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
