he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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