my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i want to swaddle you in tequila
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
