do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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