Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
