**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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