She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
