did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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