You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
